disconnected, in more ways than one

Even after the AT&T guru came to check our Internet connection and got it working again, it promptly went out. It mysteriously started working... and then it went out again. This has been going on since Wednesday, and today is Sunday. Sweet Clint seems to have managed to fix it again, so we're hoping it will stay working until mid-April when we can move into our California house.

Yes! Our California house! We will officially be signing away 1528 10th Street in D.C. on March 8 and then officially owning 20726 Cheney Drive (a little closer to where we currently live) on March 12. Despite the ownership, we won't be moving in. It's a long story. We'll get to live there eventually. If you want details, contact me and I'll fill you in. I just hope that with our new house, we won't have to deal with the intermittent Internet!

I thought the Internet problem would really been an issue for me simply because I know I spend a lot of time online. As it turned out, it wasn't a big deal. I was so high on the MNN sickness scale (around a 9), that even with the medication and armed with real ginger, Saltine crackers and my Psi bands, these things did me no good. I wasn't physically as ill as I have been over the past 38 days (but who's counting?), however, I was definitely more miserable than when I was making 5 or 6 trips to the outside trash bins.

From Thursday night until Friday evening and then again on Saturday after noonish, I tried desperately to get off the queasy-go-round. I had a strong start yesterday, enjoying the company of a colleague who drove from Arizona to visit ME--- a real treat! But then... between rain showers, my day ended with a weepy whimper that scared Saint Clint.

{{NOTE: I've started calling him this because you'd have to be a saint to live with me lately. He keeps asking what I want and I keep asking for a lobotomy, but he continues to say no. I'm on to requesting my own Avatar, but I don't think I'll be getting one of those either.}}

Here's the thing: I've dealt with this for a while now, and I think it's been plenty long enough. I'm ready to be done with it, finished with passing on participation in many activities, adventures, and meals. I want to start to enjoy myself, feel some semblance of normal. I'm ok with not cycling the course of the LA Marathon this year or not sharing the bottle of wine that's part of our closing contract for the new house, I just want to be connected to my life again, and I'm ready. Now that the internet is working, that's a start.

Escaping

Since today marks a whole month since I've been constantly sick, I figure by now I deserve to leave it-- even if only temporarily.

This afternoon I packed my water and plastic baggies and ran some errands. After a rough morning and no solid foods (again), I was tired of my teaspoon-every-20-minute Pedialyte feedings (I still have Jurassic 5's Quality Control lyrics run through my head every time I have a spoonful -- You baby MCs drink Pedialyte, my underground doesn't like you, the media might...) It took me a good 6 hours to bathe, get dressed and leave the house, but I did it!

Once I was out, I had to carefully plan my moves. First, I hit the post office. The Commodore may not get his birthday gift on time, but I tried (sorry!)... Next, it was on to the library.

Here's where I made my real escape. I like going to the library book store. It can be very rewarding. I found a book that I almost paid $12 for recently for $4 instead. Woo-hoo! That wasn't the best part though, the best part was when I wandered over to the children's section.

I initially moseyed over because I was looking for something fun and new for my nephew, who has probably lost interest in all of the stickers I've been sending him. He also has a little brother now, and while the little one is still drooling and not reading, I'm going to need to double my Auntie budget soon. Anyway, I realise it's far too early for me to be thinking about an additional library card or reading to a certain little person. But this didn't stop me from

thinking about it and making a personal select purchase.

For the nephew, I chose a family favorite. I got him a James Marshall book, which is in fair condition. We'll call it loved. It was $2, and I immediately remembered the characters when I started to read it, which I thought was definitely worth $2.

Since I wasn't feeling like I was going to hurl right there in the library at that moment, I looked around the shelf a little more and found two that I have decided to keep for myself... er, um, rather, I got for the Rockwell library. I can officially say the first book I bought for my first (nobody get too excited) child is One Morning in Maine by Robert McCloskey. I didn't really want the ducklings anyway-- Blueberries for Sal would have been fine too, simply for the Mainey-ness of it all. Just looking at the cover transported me to a summer in Maine, enjoying a [rare] sunny day on the dock, listening to loons on the lake, swimming in the water and trying to describe the way it tastes as it sneaks into your mouth a little. It was funny how easy it was to spot the navy and green cover and recognize the sketches inside. For just a little, while that book took me somewhere else-- exactly where I needed to go. And for $5, it was certainly worth it.

I am home and hoping I might be on to something. The other books in the home library I will build from now on won't be the first, but if I do this once a week, I'll have something to look forward to doing, and I can re-discover places I haven't been for a while... which will be a nice escape.

Asking for a little help here...

After two straight days of barely functioning (at the sickness scale of at least an 8, possibly 9), I am running out of plastic bags. I don't usually have this problem, seeing that I come from a long line of [somewhat] environmentally responsible hoarders and I collect the bags I get when I neglect to bring my fancy enviro-saks to the grocery store. I am pretty good about bringing them to Ralph's (how appropriate!) when I go to cash in my CRV bottles.

So when I started getting sick 3 weeks ago, I had a fairly good size bag of plastic sacks -- enough to distribute to the two vehicles and my TimBuk2... and now I'm really running low. So much so that I'm looking in cabinets around the kitchen for a few strays (found three this morning).

If you're reading this, you probably have my home address or at least know how to contact me for it. If you have extra bags around the house, could you please send me some? They'll be light and not cost much to send. I'm not about to go over to the grocery store and dig through the plastic bag recycling basin (though I've seen people do stranger things, I don't want to be that person!), I don't want to walk through the produce section at Whole Paycheck stuffing fruit bags into my pockets or walk into Trader Joe's and demand a stack of fresh plastic bags-- unfair to the bags, a single use? Such a sad life!

My neighbor happens to be pregnant too (a few weeks behind me) so I wouldn't want to take the bags that she might very well need. According to my calculations, I could be doing this sickness thing for another month, so even if you don't get to it today, please think of me when you ask for plastic next time you're at the store... and then run home a pop those suckers in a mailbox. Thanks!

A Letter

Dear Mother Nature,
I know you have a sense of humor. Otherwise we wouldn't have the duckbill platypus or the Brazilian tapir. What I'd like to know is, if you like funny things and jokes, why do I have to be beyond miserable for so long!? I pay my taxes, I let old ladies cut in line at the grocery store, I recycle, I give to my local public radio station, I will compost in my new house and I do not believe that the Kardashians are celebrities. I really haven't done anything wrong, so why is this happening to me!? No joke here, just misery. Please please please make it stop!

I have a theory, and I am asking if this has any truth to it: This is to toughen me up.

1. I'm not good with sick people. Let's just say I'm not the friend holding hair back on a bad party night.

2. I've never been very good with kids. I will admit that I was a terrible babysitter and I hated the idea of babysitting. I still shudder to think about it.

3. I gag when I see or hear any signs of vomit, spit-up, phlegm or anything else like that. Just writing about it is making me queasy. 4. I don't get sick, like, ever, so this is your way of getting me to slow down and gestate.

5. You're really cruel and the platypus isn't a joke, it was a mistake.

With the exception of #4, I think they'll still be true during week 14, so why don't we just get this whole nausea-headache-pukie thing over with a little early? Wrap it up? No harm, right? Please?

Today has been a class-A misery date. February 11. Truly a 9 on the morning sickness stage chart. Really unbelievable how it's possible to feel so good one day (yesterday) and so bad the next. I am ready to feel normal now! Please do something to help me. Thanks, Kelly

Fast Food Not-So-Anonymous

I have a problem. I'm willing to admit it, because I seek any creative solution that will help me keep my figure as long as naturally possible.

Here's how it starts: I try to find food I want to eat at Whole Foods. I cruise straight to the veg and fruit and kind of wander around a bit and then I look at the bulk food a little, and make my way past the fish and the wine and beer and then to the beef. There's nothing I want there, either. I go over to the prepared foods, where I stare a little more and then think to myself, "Self, you're running out of options." I don't have a problem looking at the food, but I just don't want any of it.

No, I don't want noodles. Or soup. Or a salad. Or a breakfast burrito or a cinnamon bun. I don't want the fancy pizzas or the pretty orzo salads or the $1.99 latkes. It's really frustrating! So even when I'm trying to find something healthy and (not even necessarily) good for me, none of it is appetizing. And I can usually find something I want to eat, especially at Whole Foods. Nope. Not anymore. It's impossible.

So I go home nearly empty-handed. And I wonder why we don't have anything to eat when I return. I don't pack foodies for little field trips (more than a few hours away from the house) because I don't really want to eat anything. This is where my problems begin. And they usually end at Wendy's.

I will admit it, I'm ok with Wendy's grilled chicken sandwich. And I am really not familiar with fast food menus, but I'm slowly getting better at them because I find myself ready to pull over every once in a while and instead I pull into a drive-thru. After ten minutes and a few bites of sandwich, I generally recover. The funny thing is, I don't even want to eat the sandwich or its hamburger friends, but I go out of desperation. And so far it has worked for me. But what I know these foods are doing to my body doesn't work. So I am taking suggestions. But don't be offended if I don't want to take advice or eat any of your suggested meals, because it's hard enough to find something to eat right now.

Cat (Baby) is Out of the Bag

It's Sunday night and we took the weekend to tell the people closest to us that we are expecting a little Rockwell in September. Yep. The official due date is actually September 11.

It's scary (scarier) and has more realness now that people know. Before it was just our little secret that we could talk about together but had to be careful not to discuss with the parentals or mention to friends on the phone. We learned on Thursday that there's less than a 10% chance of miscarriage after a heartbeat is detected and we could definitely hear one from our hummingbird, so we thought it was safe to tell. And now that grandma knows, everyone will know.

Another reason we felt it was ok to share the news is that I've been getting super sick. My nausea is getting worse. I've been sidelined over the past 48 hours with increasingly annoying and frequent trips to the bathroom. I hope the next four weeks go by swiftly and "morning" sickness goes away sooner rather than later. I'm a terrible patient and I'm just plain bad at being sick. I've decided that morning sickness is mother nature's way of desensitizing women like me. I gag at the idea of spittle, turn away from anything going the wrong direction from the mouth (ie - out, not in), and rather than help Clint when he's been sick, I put in ear plugs and hope it's over soon. This is my payback. I've learned my lesson! It can end now! I won't run away any more and I'll try to stop gagging when I see babies spit up! Please make it stop, please.

It's possible I'll be in this state of misery for another SIX weeks. SIX! And there's a terrible internet posting that says some women have 'morning' sickness throughout their pregnancy. If that's me, I will cry myself to sleep each night until September.

Here's the scale, in case you missed it earlier:
1- Nausea free! (technically, I haven't felt like this since January 1)
2- Fully functional. This means I can do normal stuff, but feel like I'm on a boat
3- Open with strangers. When asked how I'm doing, I tell them the truth: shitty. But I can complete most activities, minimally rushing to the bathroom
4 - Dizzy and paranoid. Will I make it to the grocery store? And back?
5- Show me the sickness bags. Keep them close, because this is gross.
6- This can't be normal.
7- I know how dirty it is on my bathroom floor.
8- I know I smell but I don't care, I'm not going anywhere.
9- Comatose.
10- One kid will be more than enough.

I've been a solid 8 today. It's 9:30 at night and I'm still wearing the clothes I slept in last night. I planned to shower earlier, but it hasn't happened yet. Inconvenient. That's next on my list of things to do right after I get sick next-- I have a 5-10 minute window of feeling good when I can do things like organize laundry, disinfect the toilet (a new past-time) or tidy up a bit. The shower is my priority now.

What else about the "8" today? I can't ride in a car without feeling uber nauseous and nothing is appetizing. Nothing. I've had to work in the back office to be close to the bathroom, and I'm running low on plastic baggies for travel purposes. At least now that everyone knows, I can share my misery with my family and friends!

a PSI of relief!

I'm instituting a scale for my morning sickness. Keep this in mind for future posts. It's sorta like the 10 stages of drunkenness (see below), only a lot worse because there's simply no joy (now) in reaching any of the following levels.
1- Nausea free! (technically, I haven't felt like this since January 1)
2- Fully functional. This means I can do normal stuff, but feel like I'm on a boat
3- Open with strangers. When asked how I'm doing, I tell them the truth: shitty. But I can complete most activities, minimally rushing to the bathroom
4 - Dizzy and paranoid. Will I make it to the grocery store? And back?
5- Show me the sickness bags. Keep them close, because this is gross.
6- This can't be normal.
7- I know how dirty it is on my bathroom floor.
8- I know I smell but I don't care, I'm not going anywhere.
9- Comatose.
10- One kid will be more than enough.
After a weekend of hovering around 7/8, am delighted to say that today was merely a 3/4 on the morning sickness scale. I started out heading toward another high number but somehow turned it around. How?

PSI BANDS!

Ok, so I'm a sucker for anything that might make me feel normal. And I admit, I paid $16 for two somewhat chic things that look like Swatch wrist bands from 5th grade. I put them on around 9am because I wasn't doing well on my own and figured they couldn't hurt. I purchased these last week after talking briefly with my doctor, who asked how I was feeling at week 5 and a half and when I said, "I kinda feel like I'm on a boat," she said, "Just wait." I figured that didn't bode well, so I immediately went to the internet and found everything I possibly could that might alleviate the symptoms looming around the corner. I'm not sold on the ginger and lemon infused spray yet, but I'm grateful for these little plastic bands:


Within an hour of putting them on, I was beginning to feel like I might have a normal day. I managed to eat some dry cereal and keep it down! This was huge! I did some laundry! I opened the refrigerator! I still ran to the bathroom a few times, but not nearly as much as I have over the past 3 days. A window on a new day was opening thanks to my trendy little wrist bands.

To confirm that this wasn't all in my head, it's 12 hours later and I just took them off. They really work. Seriously. I've already been to the bathroom twice in the past 30 minutes and while I am regretting their removal and not looking forward to another night of misery, I don't think I should wear them all the time. Gotta look into that more. But I'm definitely putting them back on tomorrow.

And here are the 10 Stages of Drunkenness, because I know you're curious:
(A special thanks to a former CBS boss, who shall remain nameless-- you taught me more than you know...)
Everyone starts 0) Sober
1) Witty and Charming
2) Rich and Powerful
3) Benevolent
4) Clairvoyant
5) Fuck Dinner
6) Patriotic
*7) Crank Up the Enola Gay
8) Witty and Charming, Part II
9) Invisible
10) Bulletproof

Morning Sickness? Misnomer.

For those people who think morning sickness only happens in the morning, I'm about to share with you of one of big lies I've discovered about pregnancy. It's not just morning sickness, it's middle-of-the-night, early morning, regular morning, afternoon and evening sickness. It stays with you and it's unpredictable how to shake it. What works one day will most certainly not work the next, and I am speaking from three days of experience here. 3 DAYS. That's all it has taken and I'm no expert at pregnancy, but I'm suddenly very good at having so-called morning sickness. Once I got home from my recent business trip in Texas things have gone downhill for me in the eating and drinking department. Misery!

The problem is two-fold:
1) I'm not the kind of gal who falls ill. I work out when I have a head cold, I don't shy away from swimming because I just washed my hair, I run to beat traffic lights, bike around town in the rain, and I'm generally pretty tough. But this so-called morning sickness thing is knocking me out. And it's really cramping my style, not to mention causing fear every time I put something in my mouth.

2) I love to eat. My pal Kayla asked me recently what I do for fun and remembered my reply. Apparently, I told her I like to eat. So when eating became a problem a few days ago, this became a frustration of massive proportions. For example, the first thing I truly managed to eat today was half a tomato. And a few hours later, after thinking and trying not to think about food, I have managed to hold my California and spider rolls for about 3 hours. This is a 72 hour record. Yay.

I've identified the problems, and here are the solutions (according to the Internet, which so far has been my main source of pregnancy information):
- Eat Saltine crackers. I swear, the Premium brand is in business thanks to us pregnant ladies. This was working for a while, but now that I'm dehydrated, the salt thing isn't so appetizing.
- Eat many small meals. This shouldn't be a problem for me since I graze anyway, but the definition of 'small' is different in my current condition than in my normal state. So I have to change this from eat many small meals to eat the same number of meals, only much, much smaller.
- Try some ginger. This may actually be working, since I ate all the ginger I could get my paws on at dinner tonight. I love it anyway, so this is good. However, I know from this afternoon that too much ginger can also be a bad thing. I won't elaborate on that one.
- Don't lie down after eating. Who does this?
- Don't drink when you're eating and vice versa. I'm puzzled by this, but willing to try anything at this point.

There are all sorts of other suggestions, many of which include basic common sense (don't stand on your head after you eat! Don't sunbathe!) but I'll be sure to share whatever works, since I'm sure to be suffering more in the days to come. Yowza.