Worst Day Yet

This is a photo of a place I may never get to see. It's New Delhi. Part of today was bad because I couldn't leave the house. The other part of the day was bad because I got a grim travel report for my much anticipated trip to Southeast Asia: Don't Go.

It's been four months of anticipation. I have my Indian visa, tickets to KL and Delhi, places to stay, and plans to visit wondrous places like the Taj Mahal and a tiger reserve. And now it won't happen... at least not for me, not now.

My sadness comes as I think about how excited I've been to go and see the places I've been reading about since October. It's coupled with the disappointment of knowing I may never get to see where my friends live in Malaysia or the smells of the noodle stalls or the vibrant colors of the fabrics, flowers, buildings, ruins and more. I was told that there's nothing you can do to prepare for the sensory overload... but now I won't even be able to try.

My internist said that there was too great a risk to going and given how miserable I am now, it's totally possible I'd still be miserable when I stepped on a plane for an 18 hour journey in two weeks. Add some travel anxiety about food and drink, and I could be one very unhappy traveler. She went to the CDC website (I'd been on it but opted to ignore it) and talked about typhoid and malaria and all of the precautions I would have to take. Since I have only been eating fruit for the past week, she pointed out the fact that that would be a serious problem (too risky to eat anything sliced or with skin) and apparently pregnant ladies are tastier morsels to mosquitos. So it would be completely possible that I would be miserable and be 9,000 miles from home. Right now it's hard to be miserable and 9 miles from home.

I know it's for my own good-- for the good of the nugget -- but it has made me so truly unhappy that I don't remember being so unhappy. So many nights of losing sleep over all of the things I would see on my trip! I have books and maps and guides and a little binder with my itineraries. Thinking about all of this is hard, but it's even harder to think that I have to tell my friends who are anticipating my presence at their wedding (yes, this will be the first of two big weddings I'm going to miss this year... and I don't get invited to weddings very often). I know that friends understand things like this. I'm just not the type to disappoint and I feel like I'm letting myself down as much as my pals. It's really tough to accept right now but I guess the only thing I can do is look forward to September and hope that it will all be worth it.