Rattle(snake)

DATELINE: Monday.

LOCATION: My house, Topanga.

I'd like to think of myself as a modern pioneer woman up here in the Santa Monica Mountains. Naturally, that means I spend time outdoors and sometimes my belly and I even do yard work. This afternoon I got more excitement than I had gambled for.

I had just moved a sprinkler in preparation for the arrival of the orchard that will be delivered tomorrow (about 15 trees, no planting til Wednesday but the soil has to be ready) and I was headed back to the garage when I saw a tail move and something slither under the stairs. And then I heard the rattle. And I think I said, "Oh shit."

After calling for Pattie, I asked where the perro was and she had (luckily) already made her way to the front of the driveway. After not remembering the word for snake in Spanish (serpiente would be too easy, no?) I told the workers there was a SNAKE and made what I thought would be the universal sign for snake with my arm. Then I tried to sound rattle-like when they asked me what kind and how big. Since I had only seen the tail, I did what any outdoorswoman would; I gestured like I had caught a 2-foot long fish.

I secured the pup inside and called Clint to share the news. I looked around the office for my Topanga Survival Guide, which has instructions for just about any emergency, including rattlesnake encounters. I found the guide but before I could get the number for the fire department Armando the jack-of-every-trade offered to kill it, so I wasn't gonna turn him down. I think I asked him if he wanted some long pants. Or rather, I asked if he thought we should change into long pants. He sorta laughed and then I realized how silly it sounded. But I was still about to go change.... Gimme a break, I'm pregnant. I guess I'm also new to the perils of the outdoors after moving from Beverly Hills and I think about safety a lot more. I thought the guy could use a barrier between his legs and the venom under my stairs.

He and his helper dude made their way around the house and gathered their arsenal: shovels and sticks and a flashlight. Since I knew the thing had gone under the stairs, I figured it was still there but it was dark so it was a little tough to see. Armando eventually saw it but couldn't reach it so we used a hose to get it to move so that he could pin it down. Naturally, it got it super agitated. The rattle was sustained and gave me chills!

Next, the body was pinned but it was still moving and was probably pretty upset. We needed a little guillotine action but the angle wasn't right for the shovel we had so I had to hunt around for the long, narrow, skinny shovel instead. I handed it off and stepped back as the guys talked rapidly in Spanish. I understood what I needed to: cabeza!

They were triumphant and the snake was dead and we took a look at it (maybe it had just eaten? it was fat in the middle). They wanted to know what I wanted to do with it. Rather than deal with the snake a second time because the dog found it in the bushes, I opted to put it in the "yard waste" trash can. It was the only way I could guarantee she wouldn't find it and start playing with it (she hasn't done this with anything else but there is always a first time, right?).... So there's a snake in my yard can and a mouse (we're up to 4) in my trash can.

I wonder what I can catch that I can put in the recycling for a trifecta?